how jonathan van ness became my quarantine coach

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I’m a few days into coronavirus-sanctioned social distancing when I think, “How am I going to exercise?” I impress myself with this thought because fitness is not ordinarily an ardent concern of mine.

Moving my body will allegedly help with my continuing sanity, though, so I resolve to do some home workouts. The only person I can realistically tolerate instructing me to switch on my core is glorious bearded Queer Eye star Jonathan Van Ness, who has a series of free exercise videos on the FitOn app. I just know he’s going to describe a hamstring stretch as “gorgeous” and it’s the only thing that makes yoga palatable to me.

So for the past week, I’ve had JVN as my quarantine coach. Each morning I get up, put on leggings and a sports bra and select one of his workout videos. To really maximise my JVN time, I also incorporate the sexy dance he does while preparing his coffee every day into my workout routine. He broadcasts this pre-caffeine choreography on his Instagram stories, so I simply open up my favourite voyeuristic app and dance around in the kitchen while my Moka pot bubbles up.

One day, JVN grooves to the theme song from Forrest Gump – a calm, sweet piano song by Ålan Silvestri – and so, too, do I. It’s hypnotic and I have a frankly delightful time. He often cradles his beloved cats while dancing, so I pick up my bemused dog, Bert, for a waltz. It is joyous and silly, which I’ve almost forgotten how to be recently.

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